PUBLIC 012 → kasey and i would get bored at work

Kasey,

You should really know better than to give Stan the password to your journal so he could email Amber all the time like he does. That bastard doesn’t even know I stole it from him! But only because he stole my cheesy poofs. I love my cheesy poofs. Don’t ever touch my fucking cheesy poofs. So I overheard from Amber that you had not hugged your Braff that day. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? HAVE YOU REPLACED ME? Did you forget about our long nights on the beach with Kitty and Chef singing about salty balls? Have you forgotten to respect my authoritah? If I had any emotions whatsoever other than “pissed off” I would be so hurt. In fact, I think I wouldn’t even be able to kick Kyle in the nuts. Why do I like to kick Kyle in the nuts? Because it’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. Kind of like car combustion but we’ll save that story for another day. In fact remind Amber to tell you a story, okay? She’s been so forgetful lately I heard she let Billie Joe have some pancakes. THE HORROR! As long as it’s not my damn cheesy poofs. NOBODY BETTER TOUCH MY GOD DAMN CHEESY POOFS! Except for you, you may touch my cheesy poofs. And by cheesy poofs I mean . . don’t fucking touch them or I will send Kitty to cut you up! Like those roaches from family guy.

And what’s this about choosing to watch the fat, funny man Peter Griffin over the fat, MUCH FUNNIER kid Eric Cartman? That’s a bad Kasey! Respect my authoritah! Anyway so I was chilling with Butters last night, yeah I don’t know why either. That kid is a major mental breakdown waiting to happen. Well see, what I’m trying to do is insert myself in his place you know? So by making his parents see me every day, the minute Butters goes nutso-banano ( THIS SHIT IS BANANAS B-A-N-A.. I hate spelling, why am I trying?) then I can just take over his spot and still live at home so I can have TWICE THE CHEESY POOFS! I mean for a few minutes there I will have to take a moment and mourn for Butters and his new home in four white walls and a straight jacket while he claims Paris Hilton dressed him up as a bear, which all of us know isn’t true. Why would Paris Hilton put clothes ON somebody when clearly her only talent is to take them off or not wear any at all? Silly Butters, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Anyway, so back to chilling with Butters and no we didn’t pretend to be the tooth fairy again even though that was soooo tits. We were reading the newest issue of GLAMOUR when he told me that he overheard Kyle telling Stan that he had heard from Craig that Harry Potter has been apparently threatening to leave Hogwarts if you don’t come and stay with him. I mean, that’s just bullshit. So I said, “HEY LISTEN HARRY POTTER! DON’T CALL ME PIGGY! .. ” no wait I said, “HEY! LISTEN SCAR BOY, KASEY IS PROPERTAH OF ERIC CARTMAN SO BACCCCCCCCCKKKK OFF! Screw you guys, I’m – a – going home.” I don’t think he got the message, GOD DAMN WIZARDS! Because this morning Kyle said that Ron had sent him an email, since you know they both have red hair they must related, that said that freaky deeky scar boy was on his way here to woo you and beg you to have his children. You can ask Amber more about if you want, although apparently fat ass pancake loving mother trucking eyeliner wearing Billie Joe has been attempting the same thing. Although I think her brother might have something to say about you getting knocked up by some pre-pubescent kid from a school that sounds like an infection cream. “HOGWARTS… because there is no cure.Ask your doctor for more details and if Hogwarts is right for you.” I heard Hermione turned out to be a lesbian which just proves Kyle is even more of a girl for liking her.

Stan has like HELLA skills on the computer so he decided to make little pictures of what your and Amber’s kids will come out looking like with said lovahs. On the left we have little Cartman EDIT-Radcliffe since you will be fucking naming him after me. And on the right we have little Cartman Joe-Armstrong, because let’s face it, Amber’s last name sucks too much to take. Let’s hear a round of `awwwwwwwws` from the audience? Aren’t they precious? It’s hella cool.

One last note before I end this, Zach called Billie Joe this morning who told Amber who told me to tell you that he’s so over Mandy Moore and begs you to return to him. I told him to go shove a pipe up his hole and apparently he was willing to do anything for your love .. so if you hear any stories in the news, I was never involved.

CHEESY POOFS & hella love
 

 

Tags: harry potter, zach braff, cartman, southpark, cheesy poofs, billie joe armstrong, greenday, peter griffin, hogwarts, mandy moore, goofs, paris hilton